Tough Love from a Black Dr. Phil

(Imagine A Black Dr. Phil Speaking to a room filled with strong, intelligent, and single Black women)

This may sound cruel, sis, but chances are good you are not ready for love. I know you sometimes close your eyes at night and imagine one day sleeping in the arms of happiness and comfort, but it's probably just a dream. You have various men vying endlessly for your attention virtually everyday, yet you hold out for that mythical Romeo who will somehow sneak up behind you and snatch your heart away without you even knowing it's been taken. I can understand that thoughts like these make it easier to wobble through your day, but Romeo doesn't exist. The only hearts that get snatched up are the ones in hospitals and cheap romance novels. It's time for you to grow up, sis, and step into the real world.

I know you say you are a strong woman. You sit back and remember all the things you have had to deal with in your life. You have had to experience a long list of horrible things--some of them things so haunting only your closest counterparts know about them. It wasn't easy for you being a woman fending for yourself in this world. You learned not to get too close to people, for they will hurt you. You swore never to trust a man completely, for he is prone to betraying you. You refuse to give your body or heart to anyone who is unable to guarantee your well-being and emotional security. You claim to be too strong of a woman to let love and happiness fool you into heartache again. But that's not strength--that's fear, that's cowardice. I'm sorry to sound mean, sis, but you are lying to yourself.

You have to wake up, sis. This isn't the playground anymore. When lil Jon Jon pushed you off the monkey bars in grade school and you fell, twisting your leg, it was ok to ball up in a corner and cry your heart out back then. You are a woman now. Life is not fair. Happiness is not easy. Love usually involves risk. If you can't play by the rules of the adult world, step off to the sidelines. There is no room for backseat drivers here. I know how scary it sometimes is when you attempt to trust someone new. But you are a queen now, sis; you can't use the same high school excuses you used in the past. You need to be preparing a powerful empire for yourself and your children. And this cannot be done sitting in the passenger seat of life whining and complaining about the trials and tribulations of your past. Congratulate yourself for having the good fortune to overcome the adversity you experienced in the past--because a lot of women never made it--and move on. Seriously, move on. You can never step completely into the future when you have one foot stuck in the past.

A guy broke your heart before? A guy cheated on you? A guy lied to you and played mind games with you for no real reason at all? Get over it, sis. Guys have been breaking women hearts since the beginning of time. That's just life. If you are going to proclaim to be a strong woman then act like one. A "strong" woman doesn't allow a few bad experiences to ruin who she is as a person. If you have discovered over the course of time that you have become colder, more bitter, and less willing to embrace life and love as a result of a few scandalous men, then you need to certainly re-evaluate yourself. That's not strength--that's destruction. Don't allow any man nor any experience to destroy who you are. If you shy away from intimacy because you are afraid of getting hurt, that's not strength--that's fear. Strong women smile--even when life and love tries to tell her there's no reason to smile. Pain is a consequence of being human. Everyone will eventually experience it. It's the person you allow yourself to become after you experience pain that is the true test of your strength. Don't let a broken heart break you.

I'm sorry this is taking so long, sis, but you need to get your head together. What's up with all the sexual hang-ups? You can't have sex with the lights on? You feel like a slut or pervert when a male attempts to explore the outer limits of your sexual desires? Who sent out the memo that intelligent black women can't have natural sexual urges? Human beings are sexual creatures, sis, it is a part of our design. I know some of you think you are not attractive. You're either too fat, too short, too skinny or too tall. Listen to me, sis, before any man can ever appreciate your beautiful, you have to appreciate it yourself. I know that some of you may have been abused sexually. I've heard accounts of sick uncles or other close males taking advantage of you when you were young and defenseless. I feel your pain, sis. If I could, I'd cut off their dicks and mail an inch back to them every other year. But no amount of vengeance displayed on my part can heal the mental and emotional wounds you now torture yourself with. You have to move on. If you allow those sick bastards to ruin your sexual development, they win. At some point you have to find a way to resolve your issues and blossom into the flower God intended you to be. I think that point is now. Tackle the problem now and move on. Every male is not the enemy.

Why are you making the same mistakes over and over again when it comes to picking out a male partner? You can't blame men anymore, sis, the problem is now internal. If every guy you date cheats on you, you need to take a time out and see what it is about yourself that makes you yearn for selfish and inconsiderate individuals who have no regards for your feelings. Could it be that you are shallow and narrow minded in your selection process? Maybe you only date tall, handsome guys. Maybe you are more concerned about the size of his bank account than the size of his moral values. Maybe you spent so much time talking about his big house and fancy cars, that you didn't take the time to talk about his character. Maybe you got so distracted by the material things he was spoiling you with that you missed out on the warning signs that he has an abusive personality. It could be a number of things. Maybe you are so lonely that you are willing to settle for any man rather than be stuck with no man at all. No matter what the exact situation is, you have to get your focus back, sis. You want security, and i understand that. But don't sacrifice self security for finacial security or even emotional security. Remain a class act. If you go out of your way to attract males by revealing your ass and body, don't be surprised when males come at you wanting your ass and body. You reap what you sow in this world, so be careful the seeds you toss out there amongst men. I know you are a smart woman. But when you use your body and sex as a tool to pull guys in, that's not intelligence--that's manipulation.

Stop playing with God, sis, that's not cool at all. Every time you meet a guy and start quoting scripture and proclaiming the importance of religion in your life, you end up looking like a hypocrite weeks later when he discovers it's not the real you. This isn't the Essence or Vibe awards where 50 Cent can threaten to shoot twelve dudes and brag about fucking a whole cheerleading squad and then, in the next breath, give thanks to God and proclaim Jesus comes first in his life. Don't make a fool out of yourself like that. We are not perfect. All of us will eventually fall short when it comes to the purpose laid down for us by God. But I don't agree with the idea of "faking it until you make it." Your actions speak much louder than your words. If you are not going to at least give a wholehearted attempt to follow the path of righteousness, please stop preaching your sainthood to every brother who gets close to you. It makes you look stupid. Besides, when you are truly on the path of righteousness, you don't have to say a single word. Men will know because they will see it in your actions. Don't talk about it, sis, be about it. Other wise, shut up.

I know it seems like I've come down on you hard, sis. But I see something in you that you possibly don't even see in yourself. You are beautiful. I don't want that beauty to fade away. I have hurt a lot of women in my short lifetime. I've traveled down the bad guy road most of my life. Now I want to give back to you the lessons I have learned. This is why I am letting you know now, possibly for the first time in my life, that I love you, sis. You are the woman every black man needs by his side. Don't let a few horrible romantic experiences compromise your womanhood. You are the queen our ancestors fought for and struggled for and sacrificed their lives for. Don't let your past experiences and pain dethrone you. Life is hard. Live it anyway. Happiness is elusive. Find it anyway. Love is risky and painful and difficult. But that's exactly why you should love even harder next time.

---Marlon leTerrance (Inmate20173)