Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Leave Mr. Slave Alone

By Marlon leTerrance

A dear friend of mine named Sherrima stopped by my office one morning. Her eyes were bubbling over with excitement and her smile was as bright as the break of dawn. I was sort of anxious to hear what was on her mind.

"Guess what, babe?!" She asked, the words gushing forth so fast I had to filter through them.

"What? Your hairdresser retired?"

"No, silly! I’m getting married," she practically screamed this into my ears.

I am not quite sure whether it was her words or the tone of her voice that startled me more, but I was certainly caught off guard. I had known Sherrima since grade school. She was a stubbornly independent woman, and I found it difficult to imagine her married.

I leaned back in my chair, crossed my arms, and considered the possibility. She looked happy. And more than any woman I knew, she deserved a loving, gentle man in her life. I was glad for her. I smiled up at her and winked. "I am very happy for you, sweetheart. But who is the lucky dude?"

"Don’t you remember. He’s the guy I was telling you about. You know. His name’s Paul." She stared me down until my eyes revealed a hint of recognition. "He asked me to marry him last night and I said yes!!"

"That’s great! But, sweetheart, you’ve only known this Paul character three weeks. Are you sure he’s Mr. Right?"

"I can’t wait to introduce him to you. He’s so sweet. He does everything that I ask him to do. He’s nice. He never argues with me. He buys me all kinds of expensive gifts. And, unlike most men, he’s not afraid to say he loves me!"

Sherrima rambled on and on for about ten more minutes, but I was no longer listening. I was too busy trying to figure out the best way to let her know that she was making a huge mistake.

When you feel empty and alone on the inside, it’s very easy to fall in love with a guy for all the wrong reasons. You start allowing yourself to become attracted to a guy just because he appears to be nice and responsible, not because he is the man who makes you happy and satisfies your inner needs. This is a cheap way of trying to grab the "best thing happening." And a relationship based on illusions never works.

If you are attracted to someone because he always tries to please you, because he does only what you want him to do, that is not love. If you get involved with a man just because he buys you expensive gifts and tells you sweet things that make you feel strong and smart, that is not a real relationship. That’s just a roundabout way of loving yourself. Your so-called Mr. Right becomes nothing more than a handy little ego booster...and even though you may learn to genuinely care about him, you will never really respect him as a man.

You can love someone and give him the room and the right to be himself, or you can try to control him, to make him do your will--whether it’s for his own good or not. But you cannot do both at the same time. This was Sherrima’s problem. She had found a man who was willing to sit in the back seat of their relationship, and she was just glad to finally have a respectable, charming guy to cater to her every whim. But love is a double-edged sword, it cuts both ways. Women have to be willing to meet men half way, giving love as much as they take it, receiving demands as often as they make them. Anything else may be fun, it may enhance your ego and sense of feminine power, but it’s not a real relationship. It does not recognize the uniqueness of the other person, only his usefulness.

Loving someone for being like you, for being an extension of your will, is not really love. True love can be generated only between people who see themselves as equals, between people who can be mutually fulfilling to each other. Where one commands and one obeys, there can be loyalty and gratitude but not love.

Sherrima thought about this for a moment, then shook her head. "But he loves me."

"That’s not the problem, sweetheart. I know he loves you." I said, then smiled lightly, hoping to somehow take the sting out of my next words. "The problem is...you don’t love him."

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