Separate Yourself

By Marlon leTerrance


Ask the average female what she wants in a man, ask her what attracts her emotionally, and she will probably answer with a well-rehearsed list of values, characteristics, and personality traits. Chances are she will go out of her way to describe a very successful and confident man who is willing to love and respect her to the fullest. But watch the class of men she ends up choosing to date. Take a moment to note the sort of men she surrounds herself with emotionally, and she will give away the fact that she has no clue what she truly wants in a man.

Many times, women handicap themselves when they enter into a relationship emotionally blindfolded. They flirt around with vague ideas of what they want in a male companion, but when faced with the reality of dating, these qualities are conveniently tossed out the window. These women know that they want a healthy relationship with a loving man; they just are not sure how to dissect these general wants into more specific qualities. Yet, this is a very critical step to the development of a promising relationship. You have to know exactly what you want and need in your romantic partner before you can expect to find much success in the dating arena.
It becomes especially difficult to pinpoint exactly what you want in a potential mate when you have spent most of your life catering to other people's ideas of what’s "good" and "bad" in a relationship. This is why it is important for you to remove yourself from the constellation of external voices--those of friends and family members and, even, ex-lovers--that attempt to drown out your own voice and needs. You have to be willing to separate your personal wants from the wants of others that have been projected onto you.
Kim Taylor had to learn this lesson several times over. For almost fifteen years she only dated professional men with promising futures in the medical or legal fields. She had been convinced by her parents and friends into thinking that a sense of structure and security and professionalism were the qualities that she found the most attractive in men. After awhile, Kim became frustrated and couldn’t understand why her relationships never seemed to work out. That is, until she met Paul, a freelance artist from New York.
"I would have never guessed that I could be attracted to an artist--not in a million years," Kim now gushes, five years into her marriage with Paul. "He was so utterly unlike any guy I had ever dated before. So much so, I didn't really consider him as a candidate at first. But as I got to know him, I began to discover more and more about myself. I began to discover preferences I never knew existed before. I didn't want security from a man; at least not in the way my aunts and college girlfriends seemed to demand it. I wanted passion. I wanted someone who was able to truly enjoy each moment of life with me. Most of the men in my past had been socially successful and very kindhearted, but they almost always seemed to lack a zest for life. Before I met my husband, I had no idea why I always felt like something was missing in these otherwise "perfect" men. I realize now just how much I missed by not having the courage to explore my inner wants and desires sooner."
Sometimes we assume the wants of others instead of our own. We listen to romantic tales of friends and family members and then we say to ourselves, "I want my lover to be like that." But a disappointing dynamic of relationships is this: what works with one couple doesn't necessarily work for the next couple. You have to be willing to explore your inner desires and learn what it is that you truly want--not what your friends want, not what your family wants, and not even what your lover wants. When it comes to romantic love, you will always feel unsatisfied and empty when you dedicate your emotional existence to the happiness of others.
I once advised a close friend of mine to write down a list of the top ten qualities she wanted in a man. I then told her to add or delete from this list after each romantic date. An interesting development occurred as a result. She ended up discovering that many of the things she had initially written on her list were nowhere to be found in the men she found attractive. For some reason, she had assumed she loved mature and responsible men, but the dudes who were able to boil her blood were the exact opposite. They were carefree, exciting, and almost childlike in their approach to life and love.
Before you can fully develop the process of love and relationships, you must first work on completing your own personal development. This is why the first few steps to finding Mr. Right revolve around self-improvement. You have to take a sharp and truthful look at who you are as a woman and what it is that you ultimately want in life and love. Too many times, you may be tempted to overlook these steps and jump head first into the idea of romance—if only because the sense of loneliness has become too depressing. But the success of any real relationship depends exclusively on the strength of its foundation. And you are one half of that foundation.
You are one of the most important elements on the journey towards your romantic happiness. You have to be willing to treat yourself with the same degree of love and compassion that you eventually expect from your future soul mate. Yet this cannot be done when you are not familiar with the true ingredients that make you complete.
In a recent article from eFem magazine, freelance author Terry Carterette writes about the need to know what it is that you truly want in a relationship. "A guy friend of mine once told me that the worse thing a person can do at a used car dealership is to go unprepared. A dealer can tell when a person does not know what it is she's looking for. An already stressful and exhausting experience becomes even more daunting. She very soon finds herself being shuffled from one car to another, with the salesman promoting all sorts of vehicles she doesn’t need. The same is true with love and happiness."
A guy can sell you almost anything when you step into an emotional car lot with no clue what it is that you want. Take the time to learn what you really want. You may be surprised by what you discover.