My Today

From three different perspectives.

Inmate20173

Does every day have to be a struggle? This is not a complaint; I am not some flighty male afraid of responsibility, begging for the angels to make life easier. Anyone who knows me knows that I am fearless. Remember that time, when I was fourteen, and there was the barrel of a gun pressed deep inside my mouth? Remember how calm I remained; remember how patient and relaxed my heartbeat stayed? Remember how the guy was so confused by my response that he couldn’t pull the trigger? He had expected fear, he had expected to see a boy fall to his knees begging for another chance at life; instead, he was introduced to the calculated, measured composure of a teenage man who was too foolish to understand the concept of fear, too stubborn to beg for even his own life. Remember how everyone in the room held their breath with terror, only to witness a smile beginning to form across my lips? The dude’s hands were shaking; his eyes roaming about from side to side, influenced by some drug addiction to attempt to rob me. Remember how he looked into my eyes and shuddered when he saw that I wasn’t afraid? I didn’t get robbed that night. Instead, it became another story that added to my young street legacy. But did it have to happen; this is the question that haunts me now in my sleep? Why am I so often caught in bed with the mistress of struggle? I am a warrior, a soldier, so I am certain that I can handle whatever trials or tribulations that happen my way. But is it necessary? Am I being groomed for some future purpose, or am I instead being punished or cursed for some past crime from some past lifetime? I just want clarity. I want to know that there is a reason, a purpose behind the misfortune that taps me on the shoulder and asks to dance virtually every day. If I am being molded for the purpose of eventually becoming a better, more compassionate human being, I can accept this and embrace my destiny. If I am being cursed for the sins of my father, if I am being punished for the crimes I may have committed in another lifetime, I can accept my fate and make the best of it. But I have to know why my life has always been a struggle.


Marlon leTerrance

Today I am still a soldier, but I am a wounded soldier in search of a safe haven. I will never give up the fight for survival, I will never wave the white flag in the air and surrender my integrity, but at the same time I’m hurting on the inside, lonely at the core, and without love I am fighting a war with an unloaded gun. I need the arms of someone who cares about me around me. I need to look into eyes that will never betray me. I need to kiss the lips of a woman who melts from my presence. I need the motivation of knowing that I am fighting for something, that the lights of love and commitment lies somewhere near the end of this tunnel. I’ve become a rebel without a cause, a soldier fighting in a war that has long been lost. I don’t mind the struggle, I swear I don’t. I known struggle all of my life; I’ve never really had peace. All I am asking for now is a small revelation, a clear understanding of why I am fighting. Is it all in vain? Is there a purpose behind today’s struggle?

Can a woman ever really love a wounded, tormented soul that battles on, scarred and bruised, a shell of it’s former self? I am like the glamorous model that has lost his beauty, a has-been star searching for that last ray of the limelight. I will see the top of the mountain again one day, but my fear is that no one will be there waiting on me once I get there. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’ve been the Lone Ranger for most of my life. Now, I just need a hug, even if it’s only a temporary one, to soothe the emptiness that’s boiling over inside of me.


NightShade

Today is only the beginning. Do you think I’m going to quit? Toss over a million trials and tribulations, fill my path with every imaginable obstacle, and even then I will battle through it. I am a man, damn you. I don’t run. I don’t beg. I don’t hide. I’m incapable of surrendering. Look into my eyes. I will never quit. Turn off the lights and I can still see my dreams. Blast the stereo and I can still hear the passion inside of me that motivates me forward. Bind me with the strongest chains and I will still escape into tomorrow. Make me homeless, and I will find a home inside myself. I will never hold my head down or bow submissively to adversity. I will fight until every last fiber inside of me dies from exhaustion. If life wasn’t hard I couldn’t live it. I welcome your next struggle with a smile. I am a man, damn you. See if I cry. See if I complain. I am going to make it, or die trying.